Once upon a time there was free time. Entire afternoons spent inventing games and building imaginary worlds, with children free to let their imaginations run wild and fill their own days. A reality that is decidedly out of fashion today, having given way to a full-blown race among parents to pack their children's schedules with commitments and activities of every kind. From sports to music, from foreign languages to art workshops, today's children lead lives crammed with engagements, in which finding a gap for a simple stroll in the park or a snack with friends often becomes a titanic undertaking.

But what consequences does this habit have on children's growth and development? Several psychologists and researchers have asked the question and conducted studies that have led to interesting findings. Among them is the work of psychologist Yuko Munakata of the University of Colorado, who in 2014 published the results of her scientific study in the journal Frontiers of Psychology. By subjecting 70 six-year-old children to a series of cognitive tests, the researcher found that those more heavily involved in organised extracurricular activities showed lower executive autonomy in pursuing goals. In practice, children overwhelmed with commitments — and therefore less accustomed to managing their own time freely — would develop less independence, with real consequences for neural development. We discussed this with Vittoria Maioli Sanese, a psychologist specialising in couples and family psychology, who for over 40 years has led reflection and training groups for parents, educators and psychologists, carrying out research on couples and the family from a psychological, existential, social, cultural and anthropological perspective. Her extensive experience is gathered in a number of publications, including the book Ho sete, per piacere. Padre, madre, figli. Un'esperienza in aiuto ai genitori. (Edizioni Marietti 1820)

You have been working with families for many years — have you observed a steady increase in children's extracurricular commitments?
Yes, I certainly have. Today, children have all their free time taken up from a very young age.

What has brought about this situation?
To understand the reasons, you have to put yourself in the shoes of today's parents. It is very hard for a mother to take, at her ease, all the time and opportunities that motherhood offers. She often risks losing her job if she does not return to work quickly, so she immediately needs to entrust her child to someone. I therefore think the logic behind this choice is to find places where children can be looked after. A kind of extended babysitting, delegated to sports clubs, music schools and all the various activities.

Is there also an anxiety on the part of parents to have their children acquire skills?
Yes, the need to find somewhere for their children to be is only one of the reasons. Parents often also feel anxious that their children learn to do, be and conduct themselves in a certain way and according to a certain pattern. So the urgency becomes one of educating children towards performance and, consequently, filling their afternoons with activities. But there is more to it than that. The delegation that parents make to coaches, instructors and all those to whom they entrust their children is sometimes also a protective delegation. I am referring to the problem of "protected children," who are kept in a niche, sheltered from every frustration and disappointment — whether a reprimand from a teacher or a comparison with classmates. This leads to the phenomenon of self-imprisonment and isolation.

Why is it, as scientific studies also confirm, that children who are too heavily involved in organised activities turn out to be less independent?
Because they are children who have been "substituted." That is, there is always someone else who thinks and organises everything for them. They are not children who have to find ways to fill their own time. In this way they become incapable of finding solutions. The neurosciences have made spectacular discoveries, according to which, truly, if you do not allow a child to develop in a certain way, their brain stops growing.

So boredom — which parents so often try to spare their children — is actually a precious ally?
Yes, and this attitude has serious consequences. Not so much because children fail to become independent, but rather because it prevents certain brain capacities from developing properly. I am referring to the capacity to create, to invent, to build. Things that can only emerge from the fact that no one is telling you what to do.

How important is it, on the other hand, to stimulate lazy or introverted children who do not enjoy sports or other activities?
First of all, I would say that a child is not born lazy — they are made lazy. I am very firm on this point, and I start from the way in which parents today interpret their role as parents, namely by acting as educators or entertainers. Instead of looking for technical answers to problems, parents should first of all start from themselves and develop a generative awareness — that is, become conscious that it is their very way of being and of facing life that shapes and influences their child.

Could you give us some examples?
Today, parents often make no demands of their children — that is, they do not look at what their children are capable of. For example: a four-year-old child is already capable of setting the table, but is never asked to do so. And it is not a matter of increasing their independence, but of recognising, with dignity, the beauty of the capabilities they have achieved and affirming them in those capabilities. When I, as a mother or father, see that you are capable of doing something, I do not step in and do it for you — instead, by encouraging you to do it, I help you to grow. Of course, at some point the child will respond "no, I don't feel like it." But that is precisely where the beauty of the relationship with them lies, and of helping them to discover the beauty of dialogue, obedience and listening. In short, I would like to remove the entire parent-child relationship from the pernicious realm of performance and bring it back to simply being.

So the crucial point is not so much to rush to find solutions, but rather to become aware of one's own role as a parent?
Yes, parents need to be conscious that their child's life passes through them. That is, the parent is like a constant gateway through which pass the emotions, capabilities and feelings of the child, all the way through to the definition of self. The things that children experience carry the value that parents give them. Filling children's time by signing them up for an activity is not bad in itself, but what is often missing, in my view, is the personal involvement of the parent, who, with an attentive eye, truly helps the child to grow. And in doing so, I also come to understand that my child needs more time with friends or to play football — but the starting point must always be the personal involvement of the parent.